Flaubert's Dictionary--and Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary--
are initiators in the "modern era" of a new kind of writing, one that begins to use the cliche and the nostrum, the stock, worn out yet inevitable phrases found everywhere from the writing of poets and philosophers to those of the sports pages and porno novels.Baudelaire wrote that he would like to write lines which would become cliches; in English the writer whose verses through time most often have been turned into stock phrases is Milton, who has become so ubiquitous as to be invisible. This "invisibility" of the writer "taken over" by a public which uses and abuses what were once "his" phrases is perhaps an example of the "Death of the Author"--itself now an old shibboleth, a stock phrase, a kind of worn out trope with al the grace about it of the rug at the front door, whose once lovely threads now look like the mangled ratty hair of a sorely neglected house dog.
One of the ideas behind Flaubert's Dictionary is that it contains stock words solidly, even vehemently at times, expressing stock ideas which should make one be able to have instantaneous entree to bourgeois society "without being noticed" "except as welcome." And, "invisibly", to make one's way into society and never again be heard from as an "outsider, a parvenu, a hick." . Using the Dictionary's "received" definitions, words and phrases, the utter at once calls attention tothemself, and at the same time "vanishes' behind the solid shield of cliche as it becomes absorbed into the new "mass society of driven by Progress." Progress!!- the 19th Century's locomotive-force ideas of it which Colonialism and Imperialism were helping to ram down the throats of the entire world.
This Progress is one of the Major Conceptions and Driving ideas which the Dictionary systematically (in alphabetical order) demolishes and exposes not as a disciplined, "practical minded" society moving forward on the smooth rails of technology, Enlightenment rationality and banking, but on the contrary, as an immense mass of lazy, repetitive parrots who can only greet the "new" with the most hackneyed and fuzzy conceptions expressed in the most empty, worn out and familiar of phrases.. the faster the society "moves," the more obdurately static become its lexicons of approval and/or criticism of events, persons, machines and territories. The more complex the mechanisms and technologies of society become, the more confused become the expressions with which to address them. Stricken with fear, wonder and arrogant ignorance, the solid citizen depends more and more on the solid phrase to present themselves as "up-to-the-minute knowing citizens," never dull nor ever for even a moment behind the swiftly moving times. the repetitive cliche becomes a form of Homeland Security in the face of an unknown future that threatens to arrive at an moment fro the vast spaces "lying just ahead.",
Flaubert's attack is not only on "rational" Progress, but on the Enlightenment idea of the Encyclopedia itself as a "true and up-to-date total knowledge " contained in a concise compendium of fact, rationality, "clarity" and accomplished via the use of superb style and beautiful management of the art of writing prose.
Of course in time, the Encyclopedia becomes here and there outdated, especially in the Age of pPogress, and so begins to need refilling with some thing new--al those now standardized phrases which purport to define things by the simple use of a logo, a name as short and sweet as a sound byte and made inevitably "there" by endless repetition.
In fact, the cliche itself is the embodiment of repetition, a machine in words --unlike WC Williams' idea of a machine in words being a poem--a machine in words that is simply the quickest conveyance from one lump of words to the next, without having to pause to think or consider any alternatives. It is the "inevitability which is such a "miracle' of the cliche: that it makes itself NECESSARY to use by rendering al alternatives not only out of date but out of mind. It is the ONLY phrase left standing with which to mount the steed and soar through the air like winged Pegasus from one heap of words to the next, bringing a message no matter how disastrous couched in the most familiar and reassuring tones and phrases.
Flaubert's Dictionary of Received Ideas
edited by Jorn Barger September 2002
ABELARD No need to have any idea of his philosophy, nor even to know the titles of his works. Refer discreetly to the mutilation inflicted on him by Fulbert. The grave of Abelard and Heloise: if someone proves to you that it is apocryphal, exclaim: 'You are robbing me of my illusions!'
ABSALOM If he had worn a wig, Joab could not have murdered him. Facetious name for a bald friend.
ABSINTHE Extra violent poison: one glass and you're a dead man. Newspapermen drink it while writing their copy. Has killed more soldiers than the Bedouins.
ACADEMY, FRENCH Run it down but try to belong to it if you can.
ACCIDENT Always 'regrettable' or unfortunate' (as if a mishap could ever be a cause for rejoicing).
ACHILLES Add 'fleet-footed': people will think you've read Homer.
ACTRESSES The ruin of young men of good family. Are terribly lascivious, engage in orgies, run through fortunes, and end up in the workhouse. 'I beg to differ: some make excellent mothers!'
ADMIRAL Always brave. Their sole expletive: 'Shiver my timbers!' ("Mille sabords!")
ADVERTISING A source of wealth.
AGRICULTURE One of the two breasts of the state (the state is masculine but never mind). Should be encouraged. Short of manpower.
AIR Always beware of fresh air. The air is always at variance with the temperature. If the temperature is warm, the air is cold, and vice versa.
ALABASTER Used to describe the most beautiful parts of a woman's body.
ALBION Always 'white', 'perfidious' or 'positivist'. Napoleon only just failed to conquer it. Praise it: 'freedom-loving England'.
ALCIBIADES Famous for his dog's tail. The typical debauchee. Consorted with Aspasis.
ALCOHOLISM Cause of all modern diseases. (See ABSINTHE and TOBACCO.)
AMBITION Always 'insane' unless it is 'noble'.
AMBITIOUS In the provinces, anyone who gets himself talked about. 'I'm not ambitious' means selfish or incompetent.
AMERICA Fine example of injustice: Columbus discovered it and it is named after Amerigo Vespucci. If it weren't for the discovery of America, we shouldn't have syphilis and Phylloxera. Praise it all the same, especially if you've never been there. Expatiate on selfgovernment.
ANDROCLES Mention his lion if anyone speaks of animal tamers.
ANGEL Creates a good effect in love and literature.
ANGER Stirs the blood: it is healthy to be angry now and then.
ANIMALS 'If only animals could speak! There are some which are more intelligent than men.'
ANT Model to hold up to a spendthrift. Suggested the idea of savings banks.
ANTICHRIST Voltaire, Renan...
ANTIQUES Are always modern fakes. [cf B&P4]
ANTIQUITY (AND EVERYTHING CONNECTED WITH IT) Dull and boring.
APLOMB Always 'perfect' or 'diabolical'.
APRICOTS 'We shan't have any again this year.'
ARCHIMEDES On hearing his name, say: 'Eureka!' Or else: 'Give me a fulcrum and I will lift the world.' There is also Archimedes' screw, but you aren't expected to know what it is.
ARCHITECTS All idiots; they always forget to put staircases in houses.
ARCHITECTURE There are only four types of architecture. Leaving aside, of course, the Egyptian, Cyclopean, Assyrian, Indian, Chinese, Gothic, Romanesque, etc.
ARISTOCRACY Despise and envy it.
ARMY The bulwark of society.
ARSENIC Is to be found in everything (mention Madame Lafarge). And yet certain peoples eat it.
ART Leads to the workhouse. What use is it since machines can make things better and quicker?
ARTISTS All charlatans. Praise their disinterestedness (old-fashioned). Express surprise that they dress like everyone else (old-fashioned). They earn huge sums, but squander them. Often asked to dine out. A woman artist must be a whore. What artists do can't be called work.
ASP Animal known through Cleopatra's basket of figs.
ASTRONOMY An admirable science. Useful only to sailors. In speaking of it, poke fun at astrology.
ATHEISTS A nation of atheists cannot survive.
AUTHORS One should 'know a few authors': no need to know their names.
BACCALAUREATE Thunder against it.
BACHELORS All selfish and immoral. Should be taxed. Doomed to a lonely old age.
BACK A slap on the back can give you tuberculosis.
BAGNOLET Town famous for its blind people.
BALDNESS Always 'premature'. Caused by youthful excesses, or the hatching of great thoughts.
BALLOONS Thanks to them, man will one day reach the moon. But it will be a long time before they can be steered.
BANDITS Always 'ferocious'.
BANKERS All rich. Sharks and swindlers.
BANQUET Always 'a festive occasion'. Nobody will ever forget it, and the guests never leave without promising to meet again at the one next year. Some joker must refer to 'the banquet of life'.
BARBER Call him a 'tonsorial artist' or a 'Figaro'. Louis XI's barber. Barbers used to bleed you.
BASES (OF SOCIETY). Id est property, the family, religion, respect for authority. Show anger if these are attacked.
BASILICA Grandiose synonym for church. Always 'imposing'.
BASQUES The people who are best at running.
BATTLE Always 'bloody'. There are always two sets of victors: those who won and those who lost.
BEAR Generally called Bruin. Tell the story of the disabled soldier who, seeing a watch which had fallen into a bear-pit, went down and was eaten alive.
BEARD Sign of strength. Too much beard causes baldness. Helps to protect cravats.
BEDROOM In an old chateau, Henry IV is sure to have slept there.
BEER Don't drink beer. It makes you liable to colds.
BEETHOVEN Don't pronounce Beatoven. Be sure to swoon when one of his works is being played.
BELLOWS Never use them.
BELLY Say 'abdomen' when there are ladies present.
BIBLE The oldest book in the world.
BILL Always too high.
BILLIARDS A noble game. Indispensable in the country.
BIRD Wish you were one, saying with a sigh: 'Oh, for a pair of wings!' This shows a poetic soul.
BLACK Always followed by 'as ebony' or preceded by 'jet'.
BLONDES Hotter than brunettes. (See BRUNETTES.)
BLOOD-CLEANSER Is taken in secret.
BLOOD-LETTING Have yourself bled in the spring.
BLUESTOCKING Term of contempt applied to women with intellectual interests. Quote Moliere in support: 'When her intelligence she over-reaches...'
BOARDING-SCHOOL Say this in English when it's a girls' school.
BODY If we knew how the human body is made, we wouldn't dare to move a muscle.
BOILED BEEF Healthy food. Inseparable from carrots [soup!].
BOILS See PIMPLES.
BOOK Always too long, whatever the subject.
BOOTS In very hot weather, always refer to policemen's boots or postmen's shoes (permissible only in the country, in the open). Boots are the best footwear.
BOY 'My boy, it's all off.' [The French is gendre, son-in-law.]
BREAD Nobody knows what filth goes into it.
BREATH To have a strong breath is a sign of distinction. Avoid references to flies and say that it comes from your stomach.
BRETONS All good souls, but pig-headed.
BRONZE Metal of antiquity.
BRUNETTES Hotter than blondes. (See BLONDES.)
BUDDHISM 'False religion of India.' (Definition in Bouillet's Dictionary, first edition.) [cf B&P9]
BUDGET Never balanced.
BUFFON Used to put on lace cuffs before writing.
BULL Father of the calf! The ox is only the uncle.
BURIAL Too often premature. Tell stories of corpses which had eaten an arm off to appease their hunger.
BUSINESS [Fr. affaires] Come first. A woman must avoid talking about hers. The most important thing in life. The be-all and end-all of existence.
BUTCHERS Awe-inspiring in times of revolution.
BUYING and SELLING The goal of life.
CABINET-MAKER (Ébéniste = ebony-worker) Craftsman who rarely makes a cabinet (who usually works in mahogany).
CAMEL Has two humps and the dromedary only one; or else the camel has one and the dromedary two-- nobody can ever remember which.
CANDOUR Always 'disarming'. One is either full of it or completely devoid of it.
CANNONADE Affects the weather.
CANNONBALL The rush of air it creates causes blindness.
CARBUNCLE See PIMPLES.
CARRIAGE It's better to hire than to own one; like that, you don't have to bother about grooms and horses, which are always falling sick.
CARTHUSIANS Spend their time making Chartreuse, digging their own graves and saying to one another: 'Brother, you too must die.'
CASTLE Has always withstood a siege under Philip Augustus.
CATHOLICISM Has had a very good influence on art.
CATS Are treacherous. Call them 'drawing-room tigers'. Cut off their tails to prevent vertigo.
CATS AND DOGS When you see a dark cloud, don't fail to say: 'It's going to rain cats and dogs.'
CAUCUS (CAMARILLA) [cabal] Wax indignant on hearing this word.
CAVALRY Nobler than the infantry.
CAVES Usual residence of robbers. Always full of snakes. [B&P4]
CEDAR The one at the Botanical Garden was brought over in a man's hat.
CELEBRITIES Find out the smallest details of their private lives, so that you can run them down.
CENSORSHIP A good thing, whatever people may say.
CERUMEN 'Human wax.' Shouldn't be removed, as it keeps insects from entering the ears.
CHAMBERMAIDS Prettier than their mistresses. Know all their secrets and betray them. Always undone by the son of the house.
CHAMPAGNE The sign of a grand dinner. Pretend to despise it, saying: 'It isn't really a wine.' Arouses the enthusiasm of the lower orders. Russia drinks more of it than France. The medium through which French ideas have been spread throughout Europe. During the Regency people did nothing but drink champagne. But one doesn't drink champagne: one 'sips' it.
CHATEAUBRIAND Best known through the type of steak which bears his name.
CHEATING Cheating the Customs isn't dishonest; rather a proof of cleverness and political independence. [SE2.2]
CHEESE Quote Brillat-Savarin's maxim: 'Dessert without cheese is like a beauty with only one eye.'
CHESS Symbol of military tactics. All great generals were good at it, Too serious to be a game, too trivial to be a science.
CHESTNUT Female of the horse-chestut [châtaigne/marron in French].
CHIAROSCURO Nobody knows what this means.
CHILBLAINS Sign of good health. Come from warming oneself up after being cold.
CHILDREN Display a lyrical fondness for them when there are people present. [MB2.5]
CHIMNEY Always smokes. Subject of discussion about heating systems.
CHIMNEY-SWEEP Winter's swallow.
CHOLERA You catch it by eating melons. You cure it by drinking a lot of tea with rum in it.
CHRISTIANITY Freed the slaves. [MB3.9, B&P9]
CHRISTMAS Wouldn't be Christmas without the pudding.
CIDER Spoils the teeth.
CIGARS Those sold under government monopoly are always abominable. The only good ones are smuggled in.
CIRCUS TRAINERS Use obscene practices.
CITY FATHERS Thunder against them apropos of the paving of streets: 'What can our city fathers be thinking of!'
CLARINET Playing it causes blindness; all blind men play the clarinet.
CLASSICS You are supposed to know them all.
CLOAK Alwavs the colour of stone walls, for amorous adventures.
CLOGS All self-made men were wearing clogs when they first arrived in Paris.
CLOTH All comes from Elbeuf.
CLOWN His body was put out of joint in infancy.
CLUB One should always belong to a club. Political clubs arouse the anger of conservatives. Doubt and argument about the correct pronunciation of the word.
COBBLER Ne sutor ultra crepidem ('The cobbler should stick to his last').
COCKS A thin man must always say that fighting cocks are never fat.
COFFEE Induces wit. No good unless it comes through Le Havre. After a big dinner party, should be drunk standing up. Drinking it without sugar is very smart: it gives the impression that you have lived in the East.
COGNAC Very harmful. Excellent for several ailments. A glass of cognac never did anybody any harm. Taken before breakfast, kills intestinal worms.
COITUS, COPULATION Words to avoid. Say: 'Intimacy occurred...'
COLD Healthier than heat.
COLLEGE Sounds better than 'boarding-school'.
COLONIES (OUR) Show sadness when speaking of them.
COMB (LARGE-TOOTHED) Makes the hair fall out.
COMEDY In verse, no longer suited to our times. However, high comedy deserves respect. Castigat ridendo mores. [MB2.14]
COMETS Make fun of our ancestors who feared them.
COMFORT Important modern discovery.
COMMUNION One's first communion: the greatest day of one's life. [cf B&P9]
COMPETITION The soul of trade.
COMPOSITION At school, skill at composition shows application, whereas skill at translation shows intelligence. But out in the world, scoff at those who were good at composition.
COMPROMISE Always advocate it, even when the alternatives are irreconcilable.
CONCERT Respectable way of killing time.
CONCESSIONS Never make any. They were the ruin of Louis XVI.
CONCUPISCENCE Ecclesiastic term for carnal desire.
CONFECTIONERS All the inhabitants of Rouen are confectioners.
CONFINEMENT Avoid the word: replace by 'happy event': 'When is the happy event expected?'
CONGRATULATIONS Always 'hearty', 'sincere', etc.
CONSERVATIVE Politician with a pot-belly. 'You are a narrowminded conservative!!'-- 'I admit it, my good sir. Better a narrow mind than a thick head.'
CONSERVATOIRE It is absolutely essential to subscribe to its concerts.
CONSPIRATORS Always have a mania for drawing up lists of their names.
CONSTIPATION All literary men are constipated. Affects political convictions.
CONSTITUTIONAL RULES Are killing us. Under them, no government is possible.
CONTRALTO Nobody knows what this means.
CONVERSATION Politics and religion must be kept out of it.
CONVICTS Always look it. All clever with their hands. Our prisons contain many a man of genius.
COOKING In restaurants, always bad for the blood, at home, always wholesome [MB2.6]; in the South, too oily or spicy.
COPAIBA BALSAM Pretend not to know what it is for [venereal disease].
CORNS Indicate changes in the weather, better than a barometer. Very dangerous when badly cut: cite examples of fatal consequences.
CORSET Prevents childbearing.
COSSACKS Eat tallow candles.
COTTON-WOOL Chiefly useful for putting in one's ears.
COUNTENANCE A pleasing countenance is the best of passports.
COUNTRY People in the country better than those in towns. Envy their lot. In the country, anything goes-- casual clothes, practical jokes, etc.
COUNTY (FAMILIES) Show contempt for them.
COUSIN Advise husbands to beware of young male cousins.
CRAYFISH Female of the lobster [langouste/homard in French]. Walks backward. Always call reactionaries 'crayfish'.
CREOLE Lives in a hammock.
CRIMINAL Always 'vile'.
CRIMSON Nobler word than red.
CRITIC Always 'eminent'. Supposed to know everything, to have read everything, to have seen everything. When you dislike him, call him a Zoilus (un Aristarque), a eunuch.
CROCODILE Imitates the cry of a child to lure people.
CROOK Always in high society. (See SPY.)
CROSSBOW A good excuse for bringing up the story of William Tell.
CRUCIFIX Looks well above a bed-- or on the scaffold.
CRUSADES Benefited Venetian trade.
CUCKOLD Every woman is expected to make her husband a cuckold.
CURAÇAO The best comes from Holland, because it is made in Curaçao in the West Indies.
CUSTOMS DUTIES Rebel against them, and try to cheat them. (See TOLLS.) [SE2.2]
CUT-PRICE Excellent for a shop-sign; inspires confidence.
CYPRESS Grows only in cemeteries.
CZAR Pronounce Tsar, and now and then Autocrat.
DAGUERREOTYPE Will take the place of painting. (See PHOTOGRAPHY.)
DAMASCUS The only place where people know how to make swords. Every good blade comes from Damascus.
DANCING People don't dance any more, they walk about.
DANTON 'Let us dare, and dare again, and go on daring.'
DARWIN The fellow who says we're descended from monkeys.
DAYS The master has days: for trimming the beard, taking a purge, etc. And Madame has days too, which she calls 'critical', at certain times of the month.
DEBAUCHERY Cause of all the diseases from which bachelors suffer.
DEFEAT Is sustained, and is so complete that no one is left to carry news of it.
DEICIDE Wax indignant over it, even though the crime is somewhat infrequent.
DEMOSTHENES Never made a speech without a pebble in his mouth.
DENTISTS All liars. Use 'steel medicine'. Are generally believed to be chiropodists too. Call themselves surgeons, just as opticians call themselves engineers.
DENTURES Third set of teeth. Take care not to swallow them while asleep.
DEPUTY To be elected is the height of glory. [cf B&P6] Thunder against the Chamber of Deputies. Too many talkers there. They do nothing.
DERBY Racing term: very smart.
DESCARTES Cogito, ergo sum.
DESERT Produces dates.
DESSERT Deplore the fact that people no longer sing at dessert. Virtuous persons despise it: 'Pastry! Heavens, no! I never touch it.'
DEVICE Obscene term.
DEVOTION Complain how little other people show. 'We are inferior to the dog in this respect.'
DIAMONDS The time will come when man will manufacture them! To think that they're nothing but coal; if we came across one in its natural state, we wouldn't bother to pick it up!
DIANA Goddess of the chaste (chased).
DICTIONARY Say of it: 'It's only for ignoramuses!' A rhyming dictionary?-- 'I'd rather die than use one!'
DIDEROT Always accompanied by d'Alembert.
DILETTANTE Wealthy man who is a regular opera-goer.
DIMPLES Always tell a pretty girl that little loves are hiding in her dimples.
DINNER In the old days people dined at noon. Now they dine at impossible hours. The dinner of our fathers' time is our lunch, and our lunch is their dinner. A meal as late as our dinner shouldn't be called dinner, but supper.
DINNER JACKET In the provinces, the acme of ceremony and inconvenience.
DIOGENES 'I am looking for a man.' 'Get out of my light.'
DIPLOMA Emblem of knowledge. Proves nothing.
DIPLOMACY A fine career, but beset with difficulties and full of mystery. Suitable only for aristocrats. A profession of vague importance, though superlor to trade. Diplomats are always subtle and shrewd.
DIRECTORY A scandalous period. In those days honour had taken refuge in the army. Women in Paris went about naked.
DISGUSTING (INFECT) Must be said of any work of art or literature which the Figaro will not let you admire.
DISSECTION An insult to the majesty of death.
DISTINCTION Always preceded by 'rare'.
DIVA All women singers must be called divas.
DIVIDERS Perfect eyesight has them built in.
DIVORCE If Napoleon had not divorced Josephine, he would still be on the throne.
DJINN The name of an oriental dance.
DOCTOR Always preceded by 'the good'. Is a marvel while he enjoys your confidence, a fool as soon as you've fallen out. Are all materialists: 'You can't find the soul with a scalpel.'
DOCTRINAIRES Despise them. Why? Nobody can say.
DOCUMENT Invariably 'of the highest importance'.
DOG Specially created to save its master's life. Man's best friend.
DOGE Wedded the sea. Only one is known-- Marino Faliero.
DOLMEN Something to do with the ancient Gauls. Stone used for the Druids' sacrifices. Found only in Brittany. (Nothing else is known about them.)
DOLPHIN Carries children on its back.
DOME Tower with an architectural shape. Express surprise that it stays up. Cite two examples: the Dome of the Invalides and that of St Peter's in Rome.
DOMESTICITY Never fail to speak of it with respect.
DOMINOES One can play them all the better for being tight.
DORMITORIES Always 'spacious and airy'. Preferable to single rooms for the pupils' morals.
DOUBT Worse than negation.
DRAWING (ART OF) 'Consists of three things: line, stippling and fine stippling. There is also the masterstroke; but the masterstroke can only be given by the master' (Christophe). [B&P10]
DREADFUL 'Absolutely dreadful'-- when alluding to erotic expressions: one may commit the act, but not speak of it. 'It was in the darkness of a dreadful night.'
DREAMS Any lofty ideas one doesn't understand.
DRESSES (LADIES') Disturb the imagination.
DUCKS Always come from Rouen.
DUEL Thunder against it. It is no proof of a man's courage. Prestige of the man who has fought a duel.
DUNGEON Always horrible. The straw in it is always damp. Nobody has ever come across a delightful one.
DUPE It is better to be a knave (fripon) than a dupe.
DUPUYTREN Famous for his ointment and his museum.
DUTIES Insist on others 'fulfilling them', but dispense yourself from them. Others have duties towards us, not we towards them.
DWARF Tell the story of General Tom Thumb, and if by any chance you shook his hand, boast of the fact.
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